Ex-change

Alternate title: "The Last Time Layla Went To Wendy's"

To: abramsl@biocorp.com
From: mike.stevenson@yahoo.com
Date: September 15, 5:45 AM
Subject: Hey!

Dear Layla:

It was great seeing you yesterday. I can’t believe we worked in the same neighborhood for two years and this is the first time I’ve run into. Unless, of course, you’ve seen me in the neighborhood all the time and have been avoiding me this whole time and this is the first time I actually saw you. Just kidding.

Thank God for the long line in Wendy’s during lunch. Usually it’s unbearable but for once it was time well spent as I got to catch up with the one who got away (Ha!).

You’re probably wondering why you are getting an e-mail from me at 3:01 AM (at least that’s what time it is now), especially considering you never actually gave me your e-mail address (That was actually pretty easy. Once you told me where you worked, I just Googled your company, looked for some examples of e-mail addresses so I can see they were formatted and bingo! You can delete the e-mail with the subject “Test.” I had to make sure. If this happens to be the wrong “labrams,” please do the kind thing and forward this to Layla. Thanks!).

Anyway, I was lying in bed next to my wife and I couldn’t sleep. Something was bothering me so I figured I better get it out of my system. I lied to you. A matter of fact, I lie to everyone. Any time someone asks me “How are you?” I can’t help but respond “Fine”. It’s an automatic response. But I’m not “fine”. I don’t think I’ve been “fine” for a long time. I don’t think I’ve been “fine” since we broke up.

I know what you’re thinking. We dated in college and that was only for a year and 8 months and until yesterday, we hadn’t seen or spoken to each other in eight years (I’m surprised I recognized you. You look great, really fit). I know it sounds crazy but seeing your reminded me what I thought my life would be like while we were dating. I think having a long-term future was my only motivating factor in college. Remember how we used to talk about how we’ll get married after grad school? I’d have my MBA and you’d have your PhD (Congratulations by the way). Once we broke up (Technically, we didn’t really “break up,” we took some “time apart” that just never became “time together” again), I just lost that drive. I always attributed my plummeting GPA and complete lack of interest in Finance on my post-Layla depression but I’m starting to think I had invested so much into our planned future that once that wasn’t going to happen, I didn’t really have a backup plan or not even the “I’ll show her” kind of motivation. I just wanted to be done.

Years later, I’m working at some sporting goods company (Everyone wonders what a guy with a degree from Stanford is doing at a job where a GED would have gotten his foot through the door even though I’m store manager) suffering silently with my wife, Melina. She’s great person and I love her but she’s not my “great” love. She’s my “good enough” love or my “seemed like my great love at the time” love. I know that sounds mean but I’m pretty sure she feels the same about me, if not worst!

It’s not a knock on her but I think I kind of settled on her like if I didn’t marry her it wasn’t going to happen. A perfect metaphor for it would be like looking for parking at the mall. You drive around and around looking for that perfect spot: the one right after the handicap spots. You see a couple of good spots but you drive around because you see people coming out of the mall and maybe their spot is better so you keep driving. But maybe you don’t have the kind of time to drive around like that or maybe you are running out of gas (Remember that time my car ran out of gas when we were going to Philly!) and you just park in the closest spot you can find. And then you start walking towards the mall and then at least two better spots open up. That’s how I feel about my marriage. I got tired of looking for a perfect spot and settled for the best one I could find and now I can’t help but wonder “What if I just did one more lap?”

Wow, that sounds really awful. What kind of person must think I am? I just compared my wife to a parking spot. I do love her…and our daughter, Alexis (I didn’t get to use the name I always told you I wanted to name my daughter because her grandmother dies while she was pregnant and she took it really hard so we named the baby after her. I wasn’t going to win that war). I would do anything for Alexis…or would I? I thought I would because I’m not happy and what am I proving to her by staying with Melina just because of her. What does that teach her, if you’re not happy just stick it out until you’re old enough to handle it? It’s not like Melina and I fight all the time. I would actually prefer it if we fought more because that would mean there is something to fight for. No, we just quietly sit in our corners: hers in the bedroom, mine in the den in front of the TV. Like we’re just waiting for someone to make a move or I guess THE move. But I don’t think either of us are gonna do it. We’ve slipped into a life routine and really who wants to start over. Who wants to develop new patterns, new habits, see their kid on alternating days. It took me 34 years to find/settle on one wife. God knows, if I have it in me to do it again. Fuck!

I don’t know why seeing you yesterday made all this come up but it did. I really had a great picture of the future when we were together. I never told anyone this but my ATM pin number is the date I thought I’d be married to you by. I missed the date by about 7 years. You gave me something to look forward to and now you’ve given me something to regret, not that it was any fault of your own.

Well, my alarm clock is going to go off in 30 minutes so I should try to be in bed when it happens (like she’ll notice). Again, it was great to see you and maybe we can go out for a drink or coffee sometime. I’m going to Wendy’s tomorrow around the same time if you want to get a baked potato again.

See ya!
Mike